In the 9th Step, they then begin to make direct amends whenever possible. Making amends isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing commitment to living differently. It’s a crucial part of the Twelve Traditions and Twelve Steps that guide the anonymous program.
It’s about rectifying the past in a direct and personal way. If the harm you caused included monetary damage and you don’t have the financial means to make direct amends, this does not mean that you should skip this step. In some situations, attempting to make amends may cause more harm than good. Such situations may allow for partial restitution only. In some cases, you may not be able to make direct amends at all.
How To Make Amends: Making Things Right With Friends & Family
Arrange to speak with the other person – while COVID-19 has complicated this process, making amends face-to-face is encouraged. If appropriate, you can let the person know how amends are related to staying sober. However, your primary goal should be to acknowledge that you have done wrong and would like to make up for it. The people in the first category listed include those whom you have regular contact with such as family, relatives and employers. These people obviously are important to reach right away and connections need to be reestablished. When you are able to make amends with these people, they can be a huge part of your support system.
Thus, it only makes sense that step nine is a response to step eight, which involves making a list of all the people that you have harmed and become willing to make amends to all of them. Step eight is preparation for the action of step nine, which involves putting your recovery into action. In many 12-step recovery programs, making amends is an important part of the process. For example, Alcoholic Anonymous (AA)’s ninth step involves making amends to the individuals in your life who were affected by your addiction.
It’s essential to approach this step with a mindset focused on accountability rather than seeking forgiveness. One of the best parts of making direct amends is repairing trust and building a stronger relationship with that person going forward. While this doesn’t always occur, it’s really special when it does. Building a relationship based on honesty and trust is the goal in sobriety, and making direct amends is a vital piece to that. In these cases, reflect on whether reaching out is to clear your own conscience at the other person’s expense. This is where a 12-Step “sponsor” or even a counselor’s feedback could be helpful in checking your motivation.
Your sponsor guides you through the step work and helps determine the best approach for each person on your list. The recovery journey isn’t just about abstaining from substance use. Step 9 teaches you to take responsibility for your shortcomings and demonstrates your commitment to living differently.
The last step is looking at how you can move out of that pattern. Milton Z. Brown, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Center of San Diego. His upcoming memoir, A Long Way from Home, describes his journey healing his own traumatic past. With Spell, you can draft your letter, make edits using natural language, and collaborate with others in real time. Just like Google Docs, but with built-in AI to enhance your writing experience. The Big Book of AA outlines the 12 Promises, 12 Traditions and 12 Steps to help you find long-lasting recovery from alcohol addiction.
Join the Sober Sidekick community today, a place where your experiences are valued, your efforts recognized, and your resilience celebrated. Accountability also means acknowledging that your decisions have led to harm, no matter how influenced by external circumstances or inner turmoil. It’s confronting the past without deflection or excuses. For men working the Steps in a Christian faith framework, the Ninth Step resonates directly with the biblical teaching on reconciliation.
Step 8 includes making a list of all of the people you’ve harmed and are willing to try and make amends with. It can be helpful to break the list down into smaller groups of people to make it less overwhelming. While a sincere apology often is part of making amends, this step is about much more than that.
That is just as important, if not more important than making direct amends to the people you’ve harmed. Steps 8 and 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous are crucial for recovery, focusing on making amends and repairing relationships damaged by addiction. Step 8 involves listing those harmed and becoming willing to make amends, while Step 9 entails making direct amends where possible, except when it would cause further harm. This process fosters accountability, reduces shame and guilt, and improves relationships, contributing to sustained sobriety and personal growth. The steps in recovery with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) are 8 and 9.
Structuring Your Amends Letter
That action can and probably should have two parts to it. The first, which Hawkins outlined, is about “making things right” with the injured person. The second part concerns understanding why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Kelly McGonigal, a yoga lauradate teacher and research psychologist at Stanford University, offers a four-step practice of making amends rooted in Tibetan Buddhist philosophy.
The process demands that we confront the harm we have inflicted on others and ourselves while we were actively using drugs. The recovery process includes making amends as its most powerful element which enables people to restore their relationships and achieve inner peace. Obviously, you want to make direct amends to those that you have hurt or harmed. If it is not possible to meet face to face, be sure to make some form of a meaningful connection. In the previous article on the eighth step of AA, a concrete definition of amends was laid out and there was a clear distinction made between amends and an apology. Working with your AA sponsor and other AA members during this difficult process provides essential emotional support.
Determining the most impactful approach will require a great deal of honesty. A qualified behavioral therapist can help you identify the areas of your life that need attention. Living amends refers to how you change how you live your life in recovery or “walking your talk.” These changes affirm your commitment to the direct or symbolic amends you made with others. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery. Making amends can stir up old wounds, especially when the other person played a role in the pain.
It is worth it to cross the bridge on the journey of healing towards making amends. It does not mean it will all go smoothly but at least being sincere and honest will go a long way towards reconciling those important family relationships. Every person travels it differently, with unique experiences and opportunities. When a loved one is in recovery, they are working on their mind, body, and spiritual connection to themselves and others.
Making amends is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s going the extra mile to make things right. By making amends, you are clearly demonstrating the difference between how you acted before and how you will behave from now on. Apologies don’t address the undercurrents of our choices in addiction, nor do they illustrate our intentions for the future. Within the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, there are certain steps that seem to go together and are unified under one major theme. After completing Step 9, you’ll continue to Step 10, where you’ll take ongoing personal inventory and promptly admit when you’re wrong. The skills you develop in Step 9, humility, honesty, and accountability, become part of how you live each day.
- Expressing your desire to make amends is an important step in the reconciliation process.
- Going into the meeting knowing what to say shows the other person that resolving the matter is essential; being detailed in the conversation demonstrates care and concern.
- The timing for making amends varies from individual to individual and situation to situation.
- By owning your actions, you invite the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness, and rebuilding trust.
The practice of making amends becomes part of a way of living rather than a single project. A weight that has been carried for years can lift in a single conversation. That lift is part of why the Step matters so much in a recovery program. Some items on a list may involve actions that carried or still carry legal consequences. The question of whether to make a direct amend that could result in legal exposure is a serious one, and it is exactly the kind of question a sponsor is there to help work through.
Other individuals who have completed Step 9, such as your sponsor, may be able to help you choose a meaningful way to make indirect amends. Your AA sponsor, therapist, or another trusted person can help you determine the best way to address this issue. Step 4 calls on you to make a “fearless moral inventory,” and Step 5 asks that you admit the “exact nature” of your wrongs. Making amends in AA is not an exercise in feeling better about yourself by avoiding, downplaying, or ignoring personal responsibility. Just as each person needs an individualized approach to alcohol addiction treatment, your approach to making amends in AA may look completely different from someone else’s.
Repairing previous harm also assists in helping you rebuild important relationships which may have been impacted by addiction. Words alone may not fully address the damage caused, so it’s important to work on repairing trust with your actions. Making amends might require you to address the immediate harm and take steps to prevent similar issues in the future. This step might involve asking, “What can I do to make this right? Offering a genuine apology can help restore trust when it genuinely addresses the harm caused to the other person. When done thoughtfully, it validates the other person’s experience and demonstrates a commitment to making things right.
